CLUELESS Awe-stray-lia
  • It's been so long since I've seen you. I can hardly remember the colour of your eyes or the sound of your voice. But I can't forget the way your gaze held me, captivated, frightened, alive. Or the way your words moved me, froze me, broke me. You're cruel, careless, thrilling. You had the power to make my dreams come true and the power to stop me from dreaming altogether. I was never left with the bitter taste of reality in my mouth after we kissed. I was intoxicated by you. I breathed you. I adored you. You said you felt the same.

  • I wonder, when you're alone at night, when that song suddenly plays, when she fails to satisfy you, do you think of me? Is that piece of my splintered heart still lodged somewhere in the stone that you call yours? I lost a part of me to you.

  • I might be a girl to you now. It might be easier for you to remember me as naive, weak, desperate, but what would you know. I'd still let you overpower me, rule me, fuck me, but you'd feel it, that presence, a formidable woman if there ever was one. I've outgrown the old you. He couldn't handle me now. He wouldn't go the distance. He'd be too intimidated. Lost in my shadow, just as I used to be lost in his. I wonder if you'll rise to my height one day. No, not wonder. I'll dream. Without your permission.

  • I don't know what to do anymore.

  • What is wrong and what is right?

  • My world is composed entirely of shades of grey. There's no black or white to be seen. How can I make a clear decision if there is none?

  • I'm the happiest and strongest I've been in years and I don't know how to exist like this. This isn't familiar. It's alien. I can't even remember what Earth looks like. All I know is that it wasn't grey.

  • Going to bed with a smile on my face tonight. Had lunch with my best friend before she goes to Europe and had a lovely gentleman pick me up from home, take me to dinner and the movies and kiss me goodnight.

  • Here come the warm and fuzzies.

  • There is nothing more frustrating than trying to make someone believe that you are telling the truth. Especially when the conniving bitch that started the problem doesn't have her honesty questioned.

  • There is so much anger and offence built up in me that my chest hurts from containing it. I've seen your two faces and I am wary of them. You're not clever enough to hide them forever.

  • I don't want just another friend.

  • Sometimes I think dangerous thoughts. I don't dare to linger on them for more than a few moments, but regardless of how much time passes, these thoughts remain.

  • I think about how you said you wanted someone you weren't afraid to lose, and over a year later and into your new relationship I wonder if you're afraid to lose her.

  • I think about our tumultuous stint together and wonder what exactly it was that didn't work. Why did we keep running in circles? Whose fault was it? Would it ever be any different?

  • I think about how you made me feel, and how I've yet to feel that way again. I wonder if the depth of those feelings was simply too much for you to handle. Where I saw excitement and longevity you saw only temporary bliss.

  • And sometimes, in the early morning when I'm awake and alone in my bed, I think I might still love you.

  • Then the morning comes and the memories fade and I think that it's time to put on my face and act like you're ancient history.

  • Some kind of life lesson?

  • Or something worth forgetting?

  • Just a stray you let in?

  • What was I to you?

  • A scratch on your favourite record?

  • A slip, a blip, a wrong chord?

  • I get why you had to go,

  • But the thing I really want to know is,

  • What was I to you?

  • You know those songs that make you want to learn a particular instrument purely so you can play your favourite part?

  • Thanks to "The Devil Wears a Suit" by my beloved Kate Miller-Heidke I now must learn to play the banjo.

  • It's like the closer I get to a guy the more invisible I become to them.

  • Kind of like a guy I'm working with.

  • Turns out he's gay.

  • Welcome to my love life.

Don't take me seriously...Unless I'm serious.